It was a wet and dreary spring day. The trails had been turned to chocolate pudding by the intermittent downpours and the snow melted away like an ice cream cone dropped on hot asphalt. On days such as this, when the draw of the great outdoors has been lessened by mother nature’s seasonal thirst, one must find indoor activities. It was for this reason that I found myself pulling into the parking lot of the local climbing gym.
I pushed the glass door open into the gym and immediately found my nose assaulted by odors of feet and chalk. The front desk attendant greeted me through noxious, podiatric fumes and a thick, omnipresent cloud of chalk that hung in the air. As I sat and laced up my climbing shoes, a college-aged white fellow with long blonde dreadlocks said “Nice pants man.” Caught off guard, I was without response as he casually walked away, long dreadlocks swaying with his gait. I looked down at my pants, they were the typical garb of my people, the working class. Brown Carhartts smeared with paint, caulk and drywall mud. I was a carpenter, and in typical carpenter fashion I only owned 2 pairs of pants, both practically identical in their smeariness. I shook off the comment and proceeded to the bouldering wall.
After my fourth failed attempt at what I had determined to be a particularly sandbagged V2, a middle schooler approached the same route. I watched with horror through the cloud of chalk as he completed the problem with casual gusto. As he walked past me I noticed that he was wearing faded gray Carhartts. “He seems a little young to be in the workforce.” I thought to myself. I had barely completed this inner monologue before a girl approached me out of the fog. “Sweet pants dude.” She said to me in a tired voice. Confused, I looked at her cuffed, faded tan Carhartt overalls. “Do you work in the trades?” I asked. “No man, I’m a software developer.” she responded. My eyes widened and I began to look around. Through the dim white haze the forms of the other climbers began to materialize. A bolt of panic shot through my body and I developed a cold sweat. Everybody was wearing dirty Carhartts. Half crazed I sprinted to an older man and grabbed him by the lapels. “What is your occupation?” I demanded. “I’m an accountant!” He replied, a look of terror in his eyes. Hysterical, I threw the old man to the ground. I grabbed a young woman and repeated my query. Terrified, she responded “I’m a dental hygienist!” “No…” I thought as I dropped her next to the accountant. “…it can’t be.” I rushed to the front desk attendant, demanding to see their pants. They bewilderedly lifted a leg to reveal navy blue, double kneed, triple reinforced Carhartts. “My culture is not your costume!” I screamed, mad with fury and fled the building.
In the coming months I would file a cultural appropriation suit against the climbing gym for roughly 2.5 Billion dollars. The judge found in my favor, stating that “it was a no brainer.” With the money that I was awarded I founded the cutting edge blog that stands before you today. Non-Technical Outerwear is a creative collaboration between myself, Andrew, and my business partner Eben. Eben had recently won a civil suit of his own against a reddit user who made fun of him for keeping the reflectors on his bicycle wheels. With our combined fortunes we began this blog with the purpose of covering all (some) outdoor sports across all corners of the globe (country). By frequenting this blog you may expect to find original writing, videos, art and music as well as links to things we find interesting, stimulating or generally worth sharing. Topics will include, but shall not be limited to; skiing, cycling, skateboarding, fishing, running, hunting and camping. Our aim is to keep these activities fun and provide an air of humor and lightheartedness into sports that can often be taken far too seriously. If you like what you find here then please consider following us @non_technical_outerwear on instagram as well.
